Teaching children abstract concepts such as gratitude, compassion and empathy can be tricky. When a younger sibling screams to play with a toy another child is playing with, it’s easy to make an older child feel guilty for sharing – just to make the screaming stop.
But is forcing your child to share really the best move? Experts say that letting children share their toys may not be the way to teach them kindness and generosity.
The parenting coach at Curious Parenting recently wrote in an Instagram post, “Gratitude, generosity and empathy only really matter when they are given freely. When they’re forced, they just don’t have the same ring to it …… Kids can tell the difference.”
Instead, the post encourages adults to imitate the behavior they want their children to emulate, rather than forcing them to apologize, say “thank you” or share their possessions. As author and playwright James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
Just ask any parent who has inadvertently uttered profanity from their toddler’s mouth, and they’ll tell you it’s true.
Parenting expert Susan Gold Groner, author of Parenting with Sanity and Joy: 101 Simple Strategies and host of the Parenting Mentor podcast, agrees that modeling is a more effective way to teach generosity than force.
“It starts very early,” Groner tells Yahoo Life. “You can’t reason with babies or very young children – they’re just not there yet – so when you start playing with your infant or toddler, even in parallel play, you’re still playing with them share toys. When they start solids, you share your food with them. You can even say as you do so, “I want to share this with you.” By doing this and showing them conversations around sharing, you can effectively model the behavior you want them to emulate.”
Understanding your child’s sharing boundaries
Some children can share certain toys or foods, while others may be off-limits, says Groner. It’s OK to be very possessive about certain things.
“It takes a while to understand where your child’s boundaries are, but once you find them, it’s important to respect them,” she said. “Some kids may be happy to share their toys, but not their ice cream.”
Shelly Triolo, a mother of two now teenagers, said when her children went to school, she told them not to bring anything to school or the park because other kids would feel uncomfortable touching them. “I set expectations and let them choose within my expectations,” she said. “They both still function in that way.”
As children get older, they decide where their boundaries lie: You’ll notice the mimicry when your child tries to feed you from their high chair or push a spoonful of yogurt in your face. When you accept your toddler’s offer to share and make happy faces and sounds, they will see that sharing elicits a positive response and are more likely to continue the behavior.
Sharing with peers takes time and practice
Around third or fourth grade, children begin to share freely with their peers, without encouragement or simply out of imitative behavior. They begin to understand why we share and are more open to reason, says Groner.
“For very young children, it’s normal to think the world revolves around them,” she says. “But in the middle of elementary school, they begin to notice how their actions affect others.”
Groner saw this behavior in her own daughter, who had a hard time learning to share it with her classmates or understanding that because she was no longer interested in the toy, others could now play with it, or the family could donate it to another family with children who would enjoy it. Eventually, she got it, but took some time and continued modeling from Groner and her husband.
Groner’s daughter is now 20, and they still occasionally share clothes and shoes – within boundaries. “Is there anything I don’t want to share with her? Absolutely,” she says. “Is there anything she doesn’t want to share with me? Absolutely. Finding those boundaries and respecting them is what builds trust between parent and child.”
Simon Blake, a father of two who lives in Orem, Utah, is currently blending two families together with a total of four children. “Because different families have different expectations about sharing, we’ve been trying to involve the kids in the development of sharing rules,” he explains. “They’re older, so they’re learning to communicate their needs and perspectives as they share scarce resources with new people living under the same roof.”
Letting kids decide what they want to share and what they don’t want to share
“I don’t like to force kids to do anything,” says Groner. “And forcing them to share only increases resentment and anger. Sharing becomes a negative thing associated with negative emotions, not positive emotions.”
One tip Groner offers is to let your child decide if there are certain things they don’t want to share before a friend comes over to play. Have your child put these items in a box and then place the box on a shelf in the closet.
“You tell them it’s their special box and they don’t have to share anything in the box, but their other toys can play together,” she says. “By giving your children autonomy and decision-making power, you empower them, and they are more likely to be more willing to share other things.”
Rona Gindin, mother of adult children, and Katie Farmand, mother of young children, both live in Orlando, Florida, and have used this strategy successfully. “When my kids were little and had friends over, I would let them choose one or two toys they didn’t have to share,” Gindin says. “The rest were free games. It worked well.”
Farmand agrees, having used this strategy with her daughter Hazel and son Nico. “We tell them to put away things you find hard to see another child play with,” she says, “usually their special dolls or stuffed animals.”
If your child is having trouble, don’t give up. “Keep modeling the behavior,” says Groner. “The more your child sees and sees the positive reactions and emotions associated with sharing, the more likely they are to incorporate generosity and other concepts into their emotional vocabulary.”
